Friday, October 30, 2015
Wife: "My hair and makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?"
Husband: "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!"
Friday, May 9, 2014
The Day of the Pill's Release:
-Some new agency, some place. The pill that turns nagging into orgasms released today and immediately sold a bagillion copies. Seventy trillion female orgasms in the course of the last hour have resulted in worldwide earthquakes, killing hundreds of thousands. The remaining people on Earth all agree that it was worth it. The twitter hashtag #sorrybutitwasworthit has been fighting for number one spot all day alongside the tag #omgomgomgomg
We'll have more on this story in the weeks to follow.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Eh, maybe.....or maybe not.
See, I have come across some rather disturbing evidence that his death, while it was in fact a heart attack, was actually the result of an absolute unwillingness, on his part, to eat vegetables, and this cause was actually known to the coroner and others involved in caring for Mr. Gandolfini but the truth of the matter has been suppressed by pasta and meatballs industry. Lobbyists from the industry descended upon Rome immediately upon the news of his death going public; the goal of this was of course to put pressure on those involved in the investigation to ensure that no mention of pasta, meatballs or vegetables (the presence of the former and regarding the latter, a lack thereof) was made in either any official reports or any press conferences or interviews.
I cannot reveal how I cam across this disturbing information but suffice it to say the fact that vegetables tasted less like pasta and meatballs and more like, well, vegetables, was the cause of death and this fact was forcibly kept from the public due to the presence of and pressure by the pasta and meatballs lobby.
Monday, July 1, 2013
New York (Associated Press)
The dentist, Bedros Yavru-Sakuk, 62, of Edgewater, N.J, who was charged with the sex abuse of a 19 year old woman has been enjoying a rather unintended consequence of this recent turn of events: Business is booming. I ask him about this over the phone.
"Yes, it is true," he answers, speaking breathlessly into an office phone, his already strained voice being rendered even more indecipherable by the unmistakable sounds of an office teeming with activity emanating from what would presumably have been behind him. "I have been busier than ever since well, since that article was released." The article to which he is referring of course being the one detailing the alleged sex abuse. When I press him for details about it, he declines the offer to comment and instead says that anything he will have to say on the matter will be said in court. Any other questions I may have, he says, are to be directed at his lawyer.
Knowing better than to try again, I return to the earlier topic of his recent business success. I had spoken to some people from the area before my phone conversation with Mr. Yavru-Sakuk and almost everyone I spoke to who knew him had nothing but positive things to say. And so I ask him if he believes this increase in business to be a means of public support; a rallying cry of sorts, issued in his favour. He hesitates and then drops a bombshell on me: The increase in business has been exclusively female.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Woman: Love us? You made us from man's rib in order to keep a man named Adam company in a shitty garden filled with cursed fruit and deceitful talking snakes and then blamed us for the fallout.
God: haha, I so did that.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
"IOC leaders dropped wrestling from the Olympic program on Tuesday, a surprise decision that removes one of the oldest Olympic sports from the 2020 Games.
The IOC executive board decided to retain modern pentathlon — the event considered most at risk — and remove wrestling instead from its list of 25 "core sports."
In a move that shocked many more (those who aren't paying much attention to our culture) they further stated that wrestling would be replaced with "Speed Tweeting" a "sport" (assuming one could consider it as such) that consists of a group of "athletes" sending out 100 character "tweets" as quickly as possible during an allotted time-frame:
"Tweets" must be coherent and use proper spelling/grammar to be counted towards a competitor's score.
One possible competitor for the 2020 games is thirteen year old Riley, a North Carolina girl who, when interviewed for this story, stated that speed tweeting was "really fun but really hard." When pressed for details she had this to say "Your thumbs get really sore, and so my mom and dad take me to weekly thumb massages, and I also get one day off of school a week to rest them (note: yes, she is referring to her thumbs) so that I will be injury free when it comes time to compete."
At the time of this writing, Riley is able to send out 40 "tweets" per minute. I can't say I'm excited to see what that number is up to by 2020, but judging by the people around her, I am clearly in the minority on this. Her friends and family were absolutely jubilant when they heard the news and they were clamoring to get comments published in this article. Being the nice guy that I am *ahem* (trying to fill a word count that unfortunately cannot be filled by raised eyebrows and a blank stare) *ahem* I have published a bunch of these for your (fill in the blank yourself, but I suggest smug disdain):
"Speed tweeting combines athletics and modern technology: It's the best of two worlds!"
"It's a cool, hip sport. This will solve the problem of reduced youth viewership."
"Wrestling is outdated and barbaric. Speed tweeting is a novel, relevant and nonviolent sport."
"Sweaty men in their underwear rolling around on the floor? That's a sport?"
"The internet is the future and it's time the Olympics joined us in it."
"I feel bad for the wrestlers but it's time that these excellent tweeters get some limelight."
"What's more important than information? Delivering it quickly!"
"People might laugh at this but they don't see the dedication Riley and others put into this demanding sport."
IOC Axes Wrestling In Favour of Speed Tweeting
Personally, I'm disgusted at this but unfortunately, not terribly surprised.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Watched late night tv drunk as hell and now I own a snuggie, a Dyson vacuum cleaner, some vegetable chopper thing and am also apparently enrolled in some nursing school in Buffalo. But, before you assume I wasted my money, somewhere down the line when I am stoned and/or drunk, wrapped in my snuggie trying to use my new vegetable chopper thing to make myself a snack while my Dyson vacuum cleaner works its low setting magic on my balls and I severely cut a finger my nursing degree will give me the knowledge I need to treat myself at home to save the embarrassment of showing up at the hospital wrapped in a snuggie with a vacuum cleaner attached to my balls.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
-Two pornographic actors, Nathan, 24, and Miranda, 22, were arrested Friday on prostitution charges. The two had been filming a scene for an upcoming porn movie when their camera broke. The two actors stopped the scene when they noticed that the camera had stopped functioning, but unfortunately for them, they did not notice until a few minutes after it broke. As we all know, having sex for money is considered prostitution (or marriage), unless a (functioning and recording) camera is present, at which time it can be considered pornography. Since the two were not married and no functional camera was present and recording, they were technically engaged in prostitution.
Police chief Ian Mooreville responded to criticism levied by the public in the wake of this story breaking: "The two suspects were having sex on film for profit. That is not illegal. That is pornography. However, when the camera stopped functioning and they continued to have sex for money, it became prostitution, and public safety became an issue." When he was asked to expand on how public safety was endangered by the failure of the camera present at the scene, the officer declined comment. He did, however, add that "backup cameras should be available, but if they are not, and your only camera breaks, you better be prepared to stop mid thrust....otherwise, we'll come for you."
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Mitt Romney on Strapping Wife Ann Onto Top of Private Jet: “She Loved It!”
The story just gets more and more preposterous. For those not in the know, Mitt and Ann Romney have come under fire for their actions on a family vacation back in 1983. Then Vice President of consulting firm Bain & Company, Romney and his wife Ann set out on a 12 hour road trip to their summer cottage in Canada. Determined to bring along their Irish Setter, Seamus, but short on space in the car, they decided to place their beloved and loyal family pet into a carrier strapped to the roof of the car and boot down the highway at 60 miles an hour for 12 hours. When their terriffied dog shit himself, they simply hosed him down and then continued on, making the rest of the cold, scary trek that much colder (and presumably scarier).
This story has of course caused all sorts of trouble for Romney's fledgling presidential campaign. Unfortunately for him, it's not growing even worse, as it has come to light that he once strapped his wife Ann onto the top of his private jet en route to Alaska because his leg room would have been compromised had she been on board. In his defense, he states that she quote “loved it” as it allowed her to “experience the beauty of American landscape in a visceral way not available to most people.” Ann Romney has thus far not been available for her take on this matter. Presumably, she is unable to get cell reception from the trunk of the family car.
We'll have more on this story in the coming days.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
If online dating profiles were totally accurate and 100% honest, this is what they would sound like:
Hi, my name is John. I'm a 30 year old divorced male. I'm skinny-fat and haven't had a tan since my Honeymoon. Have barely had sex since then as well, and I am afraid that I have forgotten how it works, but I digress. I have lost 15% of my hair in the last year and this terrifies me. On top of that, as this hair disappears, other hairs show up in really strange places. I sometimes go three or four days without showering. I am strangely fascinated by the smell of my own farts. I am self deprecating, but only as a preemptive defense mechanism.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Every god in existence (oh, wait.....)
Every fat moron in a 'Fat Moron with a Hot Wife Who's Always Right' sitcom. Tx for the damage to men!
Monday, April 26, 2010
And the bartender asks him, "Evening sir, may I interest you in a drink?" to which Descartes relpies, "I think not." He then disappears.
By the way, if you don't get the joke, see this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cogito_ergo_sum
My latest blog post: http://magx01.blogspot.com/2010/04/americans-for-prosperity-is-front-for.html
Also, my next blog post (or perhaps a post or two will come before it, but it's definitey upcoming!) will be a defence of the Anthropic Principle. See you then, Sephiroth ;)