Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Urge To Smash Break and Destroy

NOTE: This is a post I had saved (but never published) and I decided to put it up now since I think it could be the catalyst for an interesting follow up/update since things in my life have changed rather significantly since I wrote this nearly three years ago. I will ruminate on things for a bit and if I believe a follow up is warranted I will write one, post it and link the two articles to one another. 

From time to time, I get the urge to break things. To vandalise. To destroy. I don't follow up on these impulses (although I admit that I did a couple of times when I was a kid/teenager, although nothing serious) but when I have them they are pretty strong.

I'm not sure why I have these inclinations. It may be related to the society in which I live, as it feels restrictive, and these feelings are a response to this? I dunno. Maybe there's some sort of biological reason? Like I am supressing my innate destructive 'manly' urges throughout my 21st century, 'cultured' 'modern' and 'civilized' lifestyle, and my inner caveman makes an attempt to break free every now and again, an attempt that manifests as an ure to tear down the social order, the 'establishment.'

I am 29 (hard to fathom, I was supposed to be 21 forever...), married (also hard to fathom) and have a 2 year old (even harder to fathom). I have always been a free spirit, and I always thought I'd b single, and did not see myself as the domesticated type. Perhaps this is to blame?

Maybe the fact that I went from living with my parents, which was like living in a house run by a fascist regime (seriously) to living with my then fiance, now wife (then had a kid) is a part of the problem? I never got to really let loose and enjoy myself for a while. Although you'd think that I'd get the urge to party, or see other people (both of which I do feel like doing from time to time, admittedly) not break things.

Or perhaps the fact that I was bullied basically from grades 1-11 or so has something to do with it? As much as I am seemingly "over" these events at this stage of my life, I cannot say it did not have any lasting psychological effects on me as clearly it did. My whole frame of reference for assessing and dealing with my peers and the inter-relations between us have clearly been moulded by these experiences. Maybe these urges are a manifestation of some latent childhood related psychological issue?

I know this might seem like a strange admission to everybody, but I guess I needed to get it off my chest. Is there ANYONE else out there who gets these urges?

And again, keep in mind I DO NOT act on them.

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