Monday, March 28, 2011
Note: It is not at all clear whether or not this was actually written to Laura Schlessinger (the purported Dr. Laura in question) nor is it widely known who the original author was. Still, it's great stuff, so read on (assuming of course you have not come across this at one point or another).
Note 2: I have added a few italicized comments in brackets throughout.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.
End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? (I think the person writing this was on the right track but should have said something to the effect of "What temeperature to you think gives the best suffering to appeasement ratio?" The neighbours bit sort of derails the point.)
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? (seeing as how she's a conservative, I would hazard a guess that her answer would be "whatever the free market dictates.")
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence. (magx's note: asking is contact, technically, just not of the physical variety.....does that not violate the law?)
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? (you can, if you want. Thing is, we won't come cheap, as we have already been bought by the Chinese so you better bring a sweet deal.)
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? (I vote for having what remains of their hair set on fire)
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? (Wait, what?.....*googles*.....oh, huh.....used to be made from pigskin....)
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn.t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14) (LOL)
This thing is poignant, biting, and funny. Kudos to the original author. It's not a new argument, but the points are raised in a novel fashion.
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple (LMAO, disciple!!) and adoring fan,